My last post focused largely on my religious beliefs and my intense fear of death. On the subject of death, I have definitely noticed that I fear it more now than I ever have before. I fear losing my fiancé, because I don’t know what I would ever do without him. And I fear leaving him behind if something ever happened to me first. I fear for my children’s lives, and I even fear the day when I will have to say goodbye to the best canine companion I have ever known. I worry about losing my parents and my grandmother; lately there has been so much death around me that it’s hard not to be intensely aware of our fragility.
Sometimes I lay in bed and stare at Trevor when he’s not paying attention. I notice the outline of his face, the curve of his lips, and the point of his adorable nose which I love so much. I breathe in the scent of his skin, and run my fingers through his hair, and try so hard to carve out a place in my heart where I will never forget these quiet moments we share. He loves me so intensely; so unconditionally, and I have never been cared for in this way before. He keeps me balanced, reminds me not to have that extra beer if I have to drive, reminds me that I am an amazing mother when I sometimes forget and lose my way. He lifts me up when I have fallen, and encourages me to do great things with my life. He’s a partner and a friend and a gentleman. And I wake up every day wondering how I could ever be so lucky to have met him and to have the privilege of being his partner. He really is such a good person that I am in awe of him. He knows his boundaries and he doesn’t often overstep those lines. He is gentle and thoughtful and kind. And he loves my kids and offers them guidance and support like no other man ever has.
So the thought of losing what we have built, of never being able to wake up next to his warmth and stick my cold feet halfway up his ass, really frightens me. What would I do with myself if I didn’t have him? How could I ever recover from that loss? How would I warm up my feet?
I worry about my kids a lot too. I worry that I see too much of their father’s behavior in the youngest. I am afraid that he will not be able to overcome that influence, and that he will end up in trouble one day. He is a very intelligent boy and can be so charming when he chooses to, but at other times you can just see him doing things because he sees how they can benefit him. And as a mother who wants the best for her children, that’s a frightening prospect. The oldest I don’t worry about as much… he seems to have a gentle demeanor and rarely asks for much. He is thoughtful and considerate. But I think I speak for a lot of parents when I say I worry about bullying from other kids (or to them), drugs, teenage suicide, crime, etc. It’s hard to let go and give them some room when you just have to trust that you’ve taught them well enough not to head down those paths. It’s just too much pressure!
But God tells us not to worry.
In Matthew 6:25-34, he says:
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
So essentially, I am wasting a lot of time worrying about all of these things. Because I literally cannot control the majority of them. All I can do is try to be the best I can be. I don’t want to fade into late adulthood; I want all of my years to be full of excitement and laughter and learning and creating and just doing my best. All I can do for my children is strive to be the best mom I can be in the best way I know how, and all I can do for my future husband is be the best future wife he could ever possibly want or need.
It’s obviously easier said than done, because my anxiety tries to take hold of my thoughts and just runs away with them, but I am learning to keep it under control (for the most part). How do you just shut off your brain? It’s such a powerful thing. You can think positive thoughts and work yourself up into a frenzy of genius, or you can think negative thoughts and work yourself down into a pit of sadness. It’s that easy. But for now, I am choosing to do the former, and thinking positive thoughts, such as the prospect of purchasing a heated blanket to warm up my cold feet in the event that I am unable to stick them halfway up Trevor’s ass.