I have written reviews of events I’ve attended before, but this one just stands out for a number of reasons.
The past few years, there has been a trend at Christmastime, where my father and stepmother will give us an outing or a trip as opposed to gifts. This is something which I love and am extremely grateful for, because some of these trips have been out of my price range but I have still been able to give my children the experience of going. To add to that, we usually go up as a group–my brother and sister and I, and now Trevor, and all of our kids (there are usually 5 kids including ours and my nephews now), and I get along really well with my siblings so we usually have a fucking blast.
These trips include some of the following, and I just want to put it out there for the record that I’m pretty sure my kids have already gotten to do way more cool stuff than we ever did by their age:
- Overnight stay at the Skyline Inn plus the Fallsview Indoor Waterpark
- Two separate overnight stays and passes to the Great Wolf Lodge (another, even better Waterpark)
- Disney on Ice in Toronto
- Ripley’s Aquarium in Toronto
Not only are the trips themselves awesome, but the planning and presentation is always great. One year, she wrapped chocolate bars with an extra layer of paper so she could hide golden tickets inside, just like Willy Wonka. Another time, they sent them to Disney on Ice and it was a pirate-themed show so she gave them each their own weathered scrolls to open, and each one got an entire pirate outfit including mustaches. My kids have no idea how lucky they are! This year’s trip, my stepmother organized a hotel suite at Horseshoe Valley Ski Resort for all of us, bought gift cards so we could go tubing for the day, and essentially paid for all of us to have dinner. I believe they got mugs that had sweaters around them, filled with packages of hot chocolate, and a letter explaining where we were going.
So on the day of, we all pile into two separate cars and start the drive up. I made the mistake of telling my brother that I would follow him, and his GPS clearly had other ideas than mine did, because several times on the way up I was like “WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN HAPPENING?!” We got on the 407 toll route to Trevor’s exasperation, and then back off just in time to get stuck in more aggressive congested traffic, so by the time we arrived at the resort I was done with driving. Aidan was sick prior to us going, so I had brought children’s Tylenol etc, and my sister informed me that my two year-old nephew Talon had developed a fever on the drive up so he was miserable by the time he got out of the car.
We checked into the hotel, and the gentleman at the desk was very nice and helpful. Our room was probably the most amazing hotel room I have ever stayed in. We essentially had two rooms with an adjoining door between them, three bathrooms, two showers, a jacuzzi tub, a spiral staircase that took you up to another level which had a king bed and was a loft which overlooked the rest of the room. Floor-to-ceiling windows with gorgeous wooden shutters, a fireplace, and real mini-fridges as opposed to coolers. We were stoked! But we had too many kids and not enough beds, so we had to sort all of that out, which we did as we unpacked and got ready to walk across the way for some dinner at the Crazy Horse Sports Bar. Not before I had gone number two no less than three times since arriving.
Dinner was good but I will say the menu didn’t offer a whole lot of selection. I got some kind of a sandwich on Naan bread with roasted red peppers, pesto, peameal bacon and chicken breast. It was good. Trevor went all in and ordered a burger that was two patties, with pulled pork, bacon, and cheese, in between two grilled cheese sandwiches which served as the bun. He was still eating his leftovers well past dinner.
Afterwards, we took the kids to the hotel pool, where we basically had the place to ourselves. It was a Tuesday, so there weren’t really any people around. The kids were having a great time jumping into the pool and my brother and I kept going between the hot tub and the sauna, while my poor sister got to do nothing but carry her baby around because he was so sick. We had hoped that he might like the pool because it would cool his temperature down, but he wanted nothing to do with it, and none of us could help her with him because he only wanted her and refused to be put down. Everything was going great until the jets stopped working on the hot tub and we asked Aidan to go and push the button to turn them back on, which ended up being the Emergency button that set off an ear-piercing alarm for a good three minutes before my brother figured out how to turn it off. A day in the life, really.
Adjacent to the pool area, they offered a decent-sized game room where you can buy tokens and play various arcade games, some of which spit out tickets which can be fed into a different machine and exchanged for prizes. We took the kids there after the pool and spent $20 and about an hour playing games. Trev and I played air hockey and even though he kicked my ass severely, I loved every minute of it. Afterwards we headed back to the room to settle down for the night. My nephew had been napping and woke up suddenly while my sister was away from the room for a minute, and I picked him up and held him against me, his hot little body feeling like a furnace pressed against mine.
So prior to this trip, I made the tough decision that I had to do some landscaping, if you know what I mean. Usually I prefer to have sugaring done, because my skin is so sensitive that it results in a ton of discomfort and sometimes pain if I give in and shave in between visits to my Sugar Mama. I ALWAYS regret it, but I knew that if I didn’t take care of the situation before we went swimming, I was either going to embarrass myself, or my kids, or both. So I bit the bullet and shaved that shit, the whole shebang. I’m sure some ladies and gentleman will understand the type of regret I am talking about when you combine a few extra pounds of body weight, some sweat, and multiple bathroom trips with poor-quality toilet paper. By the following morning after dragging all of our shit out to the car over the course of about three trips, I realized that the booty-shorts I was wearing under my sweat pants were not going to fucking cut it.
We crossed to the restaurant again, this time opting for the cafeteria upstairs which provided us with more reasonable prices, hot coffee and more selection. Immediately after putting my stuff down, I stole away to the washroom around the corner, took off my pants and booty shorts, threw the underwear in the GARBAGE, and put a thong on which I had stashed in my purse for this exact purpose, so that I had something to protect my ass cheeks from rubbing together with their fresh-shaven stubble, and something to absorb all the sweat that was accumulating in my ass crack. An instant wave of relief hit me the moment I pulled up my pants and walked slightly more confidently back to the table. As soon as I sat down, I had to tell Trevor all about it, and he was having a good laugh about it.
With this ordeal safely out of the way, I felt sure I was prepared to face any challenge that might arise. That is, of course, until I had to get back into the car and attempt to pull on my new snow pants over top of all my clothes, which was a lot more difficult than I expected. Evidently, so was walking, and I felt reduced to a toddler trying to move inside a full-body snowsuit.
We arrived at the tubing hill, got our tubes, and headed to this conveyor belt which you stand on and it takes you to the top of the hill. Not once could I step onto this contraption without almost bailing down the hill, and just managing to stay upright for the duration of the ride was a challenge as the hill became steeper and steeper. Trev enjoyed teasing me and laughing at my expense, but the truth is that he knew I was not a graceful lady when he met me, so he’s not allowed to expect me to be any different in a situation like this.
I was terrified when I stood at the top of the hill and looked down. Did I mention that I have never been to a ski resort before in my life? The night before at dinner time, I had to stand up from the table and go to the window to watch with fascination as people came flying down the hills on snowboards and skis, making it look so effortless and fun. Tubing was no exception! Trev and I went down together the first time, and it was such a rush! I did that a few times before my endurance started to fade each time I had to drag my ass back up to the conveyor. I sat down with my nephew while my sister had a go, watched the kids come down over and over, until the wet snow that had begun to fall started to change the quality of the hill. We weren’t making it to the bottom, because the snow was so sticky and wet. All of my outer clothes were soaked, and I was really starting to feel the cold. Eventually, we rounded everybody up and went back to the cafeteria with the intention of taking a break to warm up, dry off and catch our breaths.
It became obvious that the weather was getting worse, the snow almost whiteout conditions, so that Trev and my brother, who were driving on the way home, decided we had better get on the road or we would be stuck in traffic for half the night. The kids were a little disappointed, but there wasn’t much we could do given the circumstances. So we got on the road towards home, and within 20 minutes of leaving the valley the snow had stopped, which was definitely a piss-off.
All in all, our trip was a blast. We got up to less shenanigans this year than in previous years, because we didn’t bring any booze to the hotel, and we were in bed at a more decent hour, but by the time I was home I was ready to be home. For the entire duration of the car ride, I felt like I could pass out at any moment, and before long I realized that whatever the other kids were sick with, I had it too. (And I still have it, but at least my tush is in better shape now!)