It’s hard to be a part-time parent. I feel for every single broken family in existence. Especially the children.
When I was pregnant with my kids, I had this image of how my family was going to be. I’d have support from my spouse, we’d raise them together and enjoy watching them grow up to be fine young men. We’d share the experience, in all things.
I certainly did not imagine that I would eventually only be seeing them on my weekends, that they would never consider my house to be “home” in the traditional sense of the word. I never imagined that I would miss out on so many milestones. That I would not even be able to tell my youngest son what his first word was, because I’m not 100% sure what it is myself. That I would lose almost everything, and never finish making my oldest’s baby albums or even start making one for the youngest.
I never imagined that my ex and I would eventually be so at odds with each other that we would never be able to share in those joys of parenting which we did in the beginning. Or that I would find it so difficult, in my heart of hearts, not to loathe him with every fiber of my being. That in the extremely rare moments when we catch a glimpse of something like that at the same time, and it almost feels like we could one day be okay, I can’t even trust it anyway.
I never imagined that I would feel so far away from them sometimes, when in reality we are basically around the corner from each other. That I wouldn’t always be able to afford to buy them the things they needed and truly struggle because I was paying someone else to raise them and could barely afford to get by on my own.
When I left, I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want them to be able to remember a life other than what it would become afterwards. My parents separated when I was a teenager and it was tough. We all took it pretty hard. I wanted to spare them that; get it over with early, before it got really bad, and try to remember that I couldn’t be the best mom I could be if I was that unhappy.
I never thought about the fact that eventually another woman would be seeing my children more than I do. Or that I may or may not get along with whoever that person ended up being. Or the fact that I cannot control the things that happen when they are not with me. Or the bittersweet sadness of watching their sweet, chubby little cheeks and munchkin voices slowly fading away, transforming into the faces of handsome young men, and I wish for a few more days when I could just hold them in my laps and hug them, lie on the floor and play cars or blocks or watch silly little shows on Treehouse.
I have missed out on caring for them when they are sick, taking them to doctors appointments, sometimes even scheduled visits. I have not always been there for them, to hold them or wipe their tears away when they are sad or comfort them from a nightmare. All the things that you imagine you will do, when you imagine becoming a mother.
Everyone has an opinion of how these things should go. I am in the role of the father who sees his kids on the weekend and pays his ex child support. That is not the social norm. Everyone says “the mother always gets the kids”, but in my case, I think my biggest mistake aside from walking away in the first place was not hiring the best lawyer I could find right away, and being unaware of how long these court proceedings can go on for, with every day that passes putting distance between myself and any hope I had of regaining custody.
I chose to keep the job I had, which I knew was one of the best I could ever find in the area, and the possibility of having benefits which could ensure my children had the things they needed. I chose the stability this job had brought to my life in a time when everything else was just a giant shit show. I chose my mental health, because I could sense it was slipping towards the end. I left so many times and heard the same excuses and broken promises so many times, that I thought I would go insane if I had to endure a lifetime of feeling the way I eventually did. I chose to heal, so I could try to be the best version of me, for them. But while I stand by my choice because it was the right choice, I still regret it every single day. Because I have to be a part-time parent, and I cannot always be there when I want to be.
There are no words to describe the feelings you have when you try to advocate for your children and face resistance at every step. To try to love them so hard while they’re with you, to make up for the times that you can’t be. To always feel like you’re not doing the best you can be, because that’s what motherhood is: setting unachievable, unrealistic goals of perfection and then second-guessing yourself every step of the way.
No, I certainly did not imagine any of this would be true of my life. But it is, all the same. And I can’t dwell on it, because what’s done is done. But I can continue to stand by my decision until one day it doesn’t matter anymore. And be there for them when I can.
It’s sad, but it’s life. They are little people and they are growing and learning and finding their own way. And all we can do is hope that we’ve done the best job we could so that they have the best chance in life, so that they know right from wrong, and can take care of themselves one day. Whether I’m a full-time mom or a part-time mom, I still experience the same emotions either way. I still have to let go of their baby clothes and give them some breathing room and trust them to be responsible and make good choices. And that’s tough–losing control, letting go, knowing that the moments you felt closest to them, when they needed you the most, are in the past now. That’s the kind of stuff that convinces women to have more babies later in life. Missing the feeling of being needed more than anything in the world. But all I can say is, I’m doing the best I can in the present, and hoping for a better future. And also, I am not having any more kids. Hahaha!
Crimson's Hope 
let me start by saying i think you are very talented with your writing and your poems. i do not actually “follow” your blog but i do check in once in a while to see if you have made a new one. we have a lot in common, i would actually like to ask you a serious question and i would absolutely love to hear what your response is… i have read all of your posts, in one particular blog, when you are writing about your ex..( how you met, how it ended) you stated that you were the one that left. i am in a simular situation at the moment, i constantly look at parenting blogs, and support groups to help me make the right decision. however in that post you basically talk about how horrible everything was with your husband… when you left , why didnt you take your kids with you? … in a more recent post you wrote, you stated that you are sure you made the right decision even though you are now the “part time parent”. how do you know that was the right decision? if i were the one in the abusive relationship i never would of left my kids there… i am not saying you were wrong, i am actually asking you how you knew what you were doing was right for you, and even though you regret it how did you manage?
i am very worried if i leave, my children will be raised by another woman and they will forget about me, but i also hope if there is another woman involved that she loves my kids with her whole heart. does your ex husband have a good woman? were there any issues with her? ….
i realize i am asking a lot of questions, but i really look forward to your response, beacause like i said, i feel we have a lot in common and i feel i am the exact same situation you were in before.
if you happened to read this whole thing, thank you for your time,
my name is Kay
i look forward to your next post even if you do not respond to this!
thank you in advance!
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Hi Kay! Thank you for writing to me. I will respond to you shortly when I have time to think of a response that may help you see my point of view. -C
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Hi again Kay! First of all, I want to thank you for reading my work. It is a big step for me to have written as much as I have in the past year. I have always wanted to be a writer, but I allowed myself to be discouraged, and the truth is that I was always best at writing about myself, and when I was in relationships I would always be afraid to write how I really felt on paper because there was a chance they may find it. And I want to tell you that you are the first person who has taken the time to post a comment and include their thoughts on the actual content. You really blew my socks off.
I spent about ten years in shitty relationships of various sorts. The marriage I was in with the father of my children was never physically abusive, although towards the end he implied that he had tried everything else except that, in front of my father. I was basically living a life in which I only spent time with people he wanted to spend time with, and he kept tabs on me all of the time but was never held accountable for his whereabouts etc. He would be ignorant and rude to complete strangers and I found myself constantly apologizing for his behavior. He did things to people that I would never do. He never actually laid a finger on me, but he didn’t have to, because I was afraid of him in a way just by knowing what he was capable of. His negativity rubbed off on me, and I became someone that I did not even recognize in the mirror. We were not meant to be, although I tried very hard for a five and a half years to change things and find a way to make it work. He was really my only friend at that time, because nobody in my family or my circle of friends wanted to be around him. But this allowed him to have complete control of my life. I am not saying that he was a terrible person, I am sure he is someone’s kind of person, but he is not mine. In fact I do know that he loves our children, and I did not ever have any fear that he would be physically abusive to them–to my knowledge he never has been. But I do feel now, that they are afraid to approach him or speak out against anything he says or does. They are afraid of him in the same way I was–by intimidating people enough, you don’t actually have to lay a finger on them.
I don’t know what your situation is exactly, but I know that I am not alone in this type of experience. I went to counselling for quite a while after I left. Depression and anxiety have been a recurring issue in my life, and at that time I was struggling. I knew in every fiber of my being, that he was not the person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. But I had children, and debt, and all sorts of other excuses or reasons to stay. If I tried to discuss my unhappiness and my doubts to him, he used these things against me. He broke my heart and my trust in one whopping blow. I have no doubt whatsoever that he probably slept with multiple women during the course of our relationship–to be as suspicious as to have someone followed and “checked up on” and keep them under your thumb like that, you have to be harboring some kind of guilt. He broke me. After the first betrayal, I accepted his apologies and his begging me to stay and work things out, his promises that this would never happen again, that he would find work, stop accepting financial help from his parents, help out more around the house, etc. And I really tried to move on from that, but I’m not sure if you’ve ever been cheated on before–it makes you a fucking basket case. You question every little thing that is wrong with you, that would make them betray you like that. You compare yourself to them and wonder what they have that you don’t. What is missing? Why am I not good enough? And suddenly you can’t relax and you second guess everything you say and do. You try harder to be perfect. And when that fails, you eventually give up.
I love my boys with all of my heart. But they were very small and they had no idea what was going on. I know that I was not the best mom I could be, because I was that unhappy. I didn’t mistreat them, but I was constantly distracted in my mind by all of this stuff that I was struggling with and trying to figure out. After the second time I found evidence of cheating, I was so afraid of the confrontation that I just took off one day while he was at work, with the kids, the dog, and our clothes and some furniture. I don’t think I lasted three days before he convinced me to come home again. I desperately wanted things to be better than they were, but by this point I was in no shape to deal with everything emotionally.
But I kept trying. And failing. And one day I just lost my mind on him, and told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. He kept asking me to to go to counselling, etc. But I said no. Because I knew that I was not in love with him anymore, and that no amount of counselling was going to make me love him like I did in the beginning. Or respect him ever again. He told me to get out, and that he was keeping the kids and if I tried to fight him he would borrow money from his parents (who were fairly successful financially) and hire a lawyer to fight me. And I believed him. At that time I also had nowhere to go, and had to basically call my friend, who was living with her parents, and ask if I could sleep at their house. And while I figured out what came next, I was just staying in a spare bedroom filled with my clothes and pictures, and I left the house and all of our belongings to him.
It was very hard on both of us. He hurt me. I hurt him. But I think more than that, he was unable to cope with not being able to control me anymore. After I left, I mentioned that I went to counselling. I read several books about different kinds of emotionally abusive relationships. I took out a highlighter and went through them and I filled the pages with colour because I could relate to so much of what was in them. I did see the boys, and while it was quite a struggle for a long time, I finally got to a point where I was caught up on debt and found a more permanent place to stay, where it would be easier to have them overnight etc. But I ended up finding another person who was just as broken inside as I was, and we leaned on each other, and that became toxic as well. I lost sight of what I was supposed to be doing. And I fell into the exact same trap again. I didn’t prioritize things the way I should have. I was so caught up in hating myself for not taking them with me, and all the little dramatic things that took place between my ex and I, that it was just more and more of the same. I wasted SO MUCH TIME and I can never get it back.
So what, then? I had to make a choice between shunning myself for life over something that had already happened, over a choice that I made, and regrets and guilt that I felt, and just allow all of that to fester, or I could turn it around and look at it in a better light. I could be happy that I kept a job that has brought many blessings and opportunities into our lives. I have full benefits after ten years of employment, so our children can receive the best care possible. This is especially relevant in the case of our oldest son, who was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes three years ago. If I did not have that job, we would both be paying out of pocket for all of his medical expenses and arguing with each other about it the entire time. Our children would suffer as a result. I make a decent amount of money, and I pay child support, so my children have that benefit as well–although I do not always get to do the things or buy the things I would like to be able to when they are here. I have a pension, so when I retire I might not have to struggle.
In addition to the perks of the job, I was introduced to a whole bunch of really strong women who had been through similar experiences, and could really tell when I was struggling, and they would reach out to me without me even having to ask. We spend more time together at work than we do at home, and so I really enjoy the comfort that comes from getting to know them for a decade. If somebody is struck by some kind of misfortune, everybody bands together to help that person and I admire that about my department in particular.
My relationship with my children is a very strong one. I do not call their father names or tell them how they should feel about him. I have always wanted to allow them to come to their own conclusions about things. They are smart, and kind-hearted, and they know right from wrong. I do not tell them how they should feel about their father. I know that they love him, and that it would hurt them if I did that. If they tell me something, I ask them how they feel about it and let them tell me. I never lie to them, I will be honest to the best of my ability without putting too much onto them. I am careful with the way that I speak. I do not hate him, but I wish that he would forgive me for leaving him, so that we could move forward and work together to raise them. My fiance has an amazing relationship with his ex, the mother of his daughter, and I think this is a tremendously positive thing for them to see. It can be so simple, and I am envious of them in a way. Not everybody who splits up has to be at each other’s throats. I had to remove myself from pretty much all contact with him, because no matter what I said or did it was always wrong. I was always “getting in trouble” for things. And to be honest, I don’t need that kind of drama or stress in my life. And taking all of that away has been wonderful.
I say I made the right decision, because this is the way that it is now. And I don’t think it’s so bad. It has been, and I would go so far as to say that the worst things that happened, happened after I left. It got worse and worse and worse. Now it is better. Would it be better, if I had spent the last 8 years beating myself up about that one decision? Would I be focused on them, or be able to enjoy the time I get to spend with them? Would they enjoy their time with me? I am balanced now. I live a much quieter life. I read, and write, and craft, and do things that bring me happiness, and I’m not afraid to write down how I feel anymore. I share things that I love with my kids, so that they will remember them when they are older, the way that I remember my dad blasting Supertramp or Chris DeBurgh or Boston when I was young, and I do the same thing now. I want them to remember me when I am gone, in the way the trees move, in the sound of the beach, in fart jokes and silly songs and home-cooked meals and stillness and love. I can’t look back, or I will get sucked into a bottomless pit. I’ve done it many times, and it fucking sucks.
Do you wonder if many part-time dads spend that much time hating themselves? I do wonder sometimes. I know married moms who work steady swing shifts and only get to see their kids in the morning before they get to school, or after they are already asleep. I don’t think things are always going to be this way; they’ve changed and evolved over the years just as I have. I don’t care which one of us has them, as long as they are safe and happy. They do have a stepmother, and while we do not always see eye to eye, I believe that she loves them and she does her best. I can tell you first-hand that it isn’t always easy to be a stepmother, and I’m sure you know it’s not always easy to be a parent in general.
If I had to give you any advice, I would say that you should trust your instincts. Have the backbone that I did not. Don’t do what I did–make a plan. Do research. Even if it feels like it’s impossible, there is always a way. It is never hopeless. But if you are unhappy, continuously, regardless of your situation, you cannot be the best mom you could otherwise be. In that regard, you have to take care of yourself first. And then the rest will come.
My choice was the hard road. There was a lot of resistance. There was a lot of back and forth, and a lot of financial burden was shifted onto me, because I didn’t plan and I didn’t cover my own ass. I trusted that he would not do some of the things he eventually ended up doing in order to make life harder for me. So don’t underestimate what may come–get your ducks in a row, if that’s what you decide to do. I know other moms whose kids live with their father, so I know that while it’s less common, we are not alone. And it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. As long as your kids know that they are loved, that is what matters most.
I’ve given you your very own blog post in this comment lol. I hope it was worth the read, and that you gained something from it. I know I bounced around a lot but I have so much to say. I just want you to know that no matter how bad it seems, you have the power to make it better. You get to decide who you keep and who you move away from. There are resources available that can help you. And don’t worry about what anyone else thinks–they don’t have to live with what you live with every day, so their opinion doesn’t mean a thing.
I guess what I mean is that I have to stand by my decision, despite how hard it was, because it brought me to where I am today. And today I am very happy.
If you have more thoughts, or questions, or if you need to vent, you are more than welcome to reach out to me. I’m not an expert on any of it, but like I said, I’ve always been best at writing about myself, they say you should write what you know. It’s just my story, from my point of view. Not just on divorce etc. but just a place to give my inner voice an outlet.
I hope that you are doing okay. I want to thank you for touching my life today. And for taking the time to read the things I’ve written. It means the world to me. And I welcome any feedback, as long as it’s not downright slanderous! Lol
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If you have spent so many years in shitty relationships, then maybe that has something to do with you? You have wrote a couple times about your children’s father/your ex. He was a cheater, made mistakes and basically never gave you the time of day. You also say that you did the exact same thing! I don’t think he sounds like a bad guy at all, after all you admit you were the one that left him and your kids. Sounds like he stepped up and got his shit together! Maybe he needed to find the RIGHT woman to make him actually happy! Maybe he does things around the house, maybe he is not a cheater, maybe he adores his new wife and doesn’t keep secrets! You say you were the one in more “shitty” relationships after him and you needed to work on yourself to be happy…. We are all entitled to our opinions so I do not expect you to even reply to this comment. But seriously. Don’t be saying things about your children’s father when you were the one that screwed up and left. You say you have changed, maybe he did too. Men should not be the only ones blamed for a shitty relationship. A lot of times it is the girls fault too
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Wow,Darcy. .it’s almost as if you live with the bloggers ex-husband.
#soundslikeaninsidejob#willtherealslimshadypleasestandup#isdarcyyourrealname#maybeheadoreshisnewwife,gag#maybehedoesthingsaroundthehouse,gagagain
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I was simply speaking from experience. I WAS with a man who had children, he passed from cancer 7 months ago. When I had come across these blogs , it just made me so angry! People do change. I understand the blogger is writing about her personal life but stuff like that is not always true. I had adopted my husband children because their mother was never in their life ! Even now they call me mom. I am the only parent these children have now. It is not always the mans fault in shitty relationships. I bring that up because of what the blogger has posted in the past about her ex. She has explained how much she has changed her life, well maybe her ex did too. Even though my children’s birth mother has never been in their lives she would still blame my husband for everything that ever happened. For the record my husband was never married before and He was only 46 when he passed away. I was simply making a point to say if she(the blogger) can change then why is it so difficult to think the man could of changed? If you don’t like something I have said then keep it to your self. The blogger was kind enough to reply back and even explain things better, maybe my comment made her angry but she did say she welcomed any feedback.
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Hi Darcy. Thank you for your feedback.
I started this blog a year ago, and I have written in several different formats–some of them are fictional, and some are non-fiction, and some are a combination of both. The ones that are non-fiction have been the toughest ones for me to write, but they have been important to me in many ways because they provide a therapeutic outlet for me while I’m also doing what I love the most, and every time I write I’m furthering my talents at the same time.
I spend a lot of time talking about the past because it is a part of who I am and how I got to this point. I actually openly admit many of the mistakes that I made, as opposed to your interpretation of the content. The point of my writing is not to bash my exes at all. It’s about me, and my life, and in fact my biggest mistake of all, which was not getting married, or having kids, or even leaving–leaving was not a mistake or a “screw-up at all–it is that I did not take them with me the last time that I left. Had I done so, I might have spared my kids a lot of heartache. I would have had more control over their upbringing and the environments they were exposed to. My story is about how someone can fuck up their life to the point that they sometimes feel like there’s no point in going forward, and still find the power to forgive themselves and survive despite all the evidence to the contrary. I tell the truth and I openly admit when I’ve done something wrong. My writing could serve as a source of strength or even a lesson of what NOT to do for someone in a similar situation. And being someone who has leaned heavily on the support of people around me, I feel it’s my responsibility to do the same for others.
Here are some quotes from just above these comments, written by me:
“I do not call their father names or tell them how they should feel about him.”
“I do not tell them how they should feel about their father. I know that they love him, and that it would hurt them if I did that.”
“I do not hate him, but I wish that he would forgive me for leaving him, so that we could move forward and work together to raise them.”
“I am not saying that he was a terrible person, I am sure he is someone’s kind of person, but he is not mine.”
I don’t think that these are unreasonable or derogatory statements. I laid out the truth absolutely, but I have actually dedicated entire blog posts to talking about the many stupid things that I have done, or that have happened to me.
My blog is my blog, and it’s up to me what I choose to write about. I choose to tell a story of growth and change and how I became who I am today. Mistakes I’ve made, such as not speaking up and standing up for myself when I disagreed with something, not having a backbone, not having enough self-esteem to think that I deserved better from people. If my ex wants to write his own blog about his own personal growth, he is more than welcome to do so. I would certainly hope that after almost 9 years of separation, he would have grown and changed into a different man than he was when I knew him. That’s what life is all about, isn’t it? We were toxic for each other. We were wrong for each other. And had I not left, neither one of us would ever have had the opportunity to meet the RIGHT woman or the RIGHT man who we would not have to lie to, keep secrets from, or cheat on. I’ve cheated on plenty of people, but most of the time it was in retaliation after they did it first. I’m not saying that’s okay, but it didn’t take the right man to bring me to the point where I stopped cheating. It took ME having to take a good hard look at myself and realize that I needed to change something in MYSELF before I would be able to be in a relationship that was healthy. And so I do not cheat anymore, no, and I would hope that he does not either.
It takes two to tango. There are three sides to every story, that’s the saying, no? The man’s version of the truth as he interprets it, the woman’s interpretation as she sees it, and the actual truth. I’m not blaming all my problems on him by any means. He doesn’t have any power over me anymore. And I’m sorry if you have misunderstood what I have been trying to say, but this is most definitely not a pity party.
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